On why I hate staying home

My body woke me up at 5:45 this morning and said "Let's go to school!"

Dear body.. that's no for us. Not today anyway. "We could go visit..."

You know, I've thought about that. Yesterday it was a no because I really needed to catch up on some work. Today it's a maybe, but also I'm scared.

You see, I hate staying home. Hate it. I can say it's because all my friends are going to school, I miss my kids, and it's no fun planning for classes you don't get to teach. I can say it's about feeling ready, being ready, and hating waiting. There's lots of reasons I hate staying home.

But then what is the reason I am terrified of going to school, even to visit? Why am I nervous about going back? Why did I get butterflies when I subbed for an hour in my friend's class last week?

Maybe it comes down to this. All the reasons are effects of this one big cause.

When I don't go to school, I question what my life means. I question my value. I question who I am. And I can say that that's because I'm not doing what I love and then I can blame all those feelings on the fact that I'm waiting on a doctor's note that I have digitally but need on paper.

And the fear comes in because secretly I know that even when I am there, doing what I love, I'll still be questioning my value and who I am. And although I know that work can't and won't give me meaning... it's easy to pretend when work seems just as impossible as the peace.

My body woke me up at 5:45 this morning.

I miss school.