My kids complain about writing 5 paragraph essays. 300 words essays. 10 minute extended bellwork. 5 minute regular bellwork.
I just finished writing an embarrassingly long sub letter. It's embarrassing. Really. 1423 words.
Now to be fair, I've always been a bit verbose. I've been trying to cut back on that in class, but it just happens a lot. I like words. And I like saying words.
But I also feel like it's somewhat justified. There are so many little things that I don't want to leave out, little hints that should hopefully help, important procedures, the way I do things. It's my class and they're my babies, and I don't want to leave anything out. I'm going to be gone. The least I can do is leave overbearing instructions!
I remember writing classroom procedures at the beginning of the year. It took forever, mostly because I had no idea what I was doing. Writing education papers about management and crap took forever. Now, not so bad. A little bit fun, minus that part where I don't get to be there.
And I'm struck by how blessed I am to love what I do.
More blessings of the week that are directly related to said sub letter....
1) I have a sub! She is a missionary here from the States and has children at my school. I'm so thankful to officially have someone, and the fact that she is a native English Speaker and invested in the school/not going to leave after a week is such an answer to prayer. I'm hoping to meet with her and talk with her tomorrow and she might even be able to come and observe a class.
2) I have a surgery date. Next week Thursday. I can't quite process that one week from this moment I will be sleeping in a hospital bed with a tube coming out of my nose. Or that my parents will be here. Or, to be honest, that I have cancer and this is happening. But at least there's a date to start moving me toward that reality.
3) I am done with 2nd quarter. All my grades are turned in, I'm not accepting any more work, and we're ready to look forward.
This means that I'm also halfway done with my first year of teaching. That's another thing that's nearly impossible to wrap my mind around.
I can't say that it's the year I expected it to be. In a lot of ways, it's been an easier transition than I thought it would be. After all, first year teachers are supposed to hate their lives always. In other ways, it's been a lot harder and just DIFFERENT than I expected it to be. So many surprises.
Looking back on the first half, I see so much evidence that God is indeed good. Here are just a couple of the millions of examples... and those are just the ones I see.
- My worst class period became my best period
- Way less students failed this quarter than last
- Even though my students are "big" and "cool," I still get hugs and waves and hear my name said in hallways about a billion times a day
-I really enjoy the company of all of my students
- I have a great support system in this country. My friends and co-workers are beyond what I ever could have asked for
- My friends and family back home are always gracious when it takes me way too long to get back to them, and they love me through EVERYTHING
- There has been SO MUCH support throughout my surprise surgery and cancer - spiritually, emotionally, financially, everything
- I almost have enough money to pay for both of my surgeries, and I didn't even ask anyone about it
- I have grown in my faith
- I had emergency surgery, healed well, and they were able to diagnose a hard to diagnose cancer that will now be dealt with one surgery
- I don't need radiation or chemo
- The sun shines almost every day
- I'm halfway through and I still love my job.
Tomorrow is my last day for a while, and I'm bummed. I'd prefer to be there. But as I look forward through the perspective of the last 5 months (and 23 years), there is so much proof that God is good, all the time and that all the time, God is good. When I'm bummed, when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm happy... no matter my mood or awareness... God is good.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A legitimate, informative, and requestive update
I feel like a legitimate update is in order. By legitimate, I mean, not just an update about my feelings. But those are also legitimate. So I guess I mostly mean an informative update is in order. So here it is, all the Anna information that you could possibly want. And probably more.
One update is that I am caught up on grading for the first time since before my first surgery. This feel really, really good. Like, I want to dance good. But I also want to dance a lot, so that doesn't mean all that much.
Another update (and let's be serious, this is the one you're waiting for and the reason you clicked this link) is that I still don't have a surgery date scheduled.
One of the frustrating things about having a non-emergency surgery is that there are a lot of steps and paperwork involved in scheduling it, and this tends to involve a lot of waiting. And this waiting seems to be intensified when you're in a country where there's no mail and you do all the paperwork through a second party and you can't really make your own phone calls because your Spanish classes in College didn't really teach you how to navigate insurance vocabulary.
So there's no date. And my parents, who were originally coming on Tuesday, are now coming next week Monday in the hope that we will have approval and be able to schedule surgery for next week.
This is mildly annoying, as I don't REALLY want to have surgery in the first place and I don't REALLY want to go through another month of recovery, and if I have to, I'd rather just get it done now.
Still, this does seem to mean that I get another week to plan for a sub, and to mentally prepare, and to enjoy being healthy. So I'm grateful for that.
This weekend has been lovely for my mental health, both because of time spent with friends and because of all the prayers I know you've been sending. I'm also so thankful for the e-mails and messages that continue to make me feel supported and loved.
My prayer requests for the week are as follows.
1: They are interviewing a sub tomorrow. I didn't have a great experience with subs the last time I was in surgery, and I would very much appreciate it if we could pray that they will find someone who is responsible and easy to work with and ready and willing to invest in these kids for the next month.
2: Paperwork and Scheduling. I feel a little bit like I'm at the mercy of the system, but I also know that God is bigger than the system. Pray that papers get into the right hands and the hospital has a bed and operating room open at the right time and that the Doctor's schedule will coincide nicely with all of this.
3: Peace. I'd be lying if I said I'm not still struggling with the fact that I really don't want this. I don't. Pray that I'll be able to trust God and understand, not just know, that God is good all the time, and that all the time God is good.
4: My students: Pray for them as they have exams and a new quarter, and also as they will have to adjust to another sub. Pray that they'll be willing to work and learn this quarter and that they won't lose a lot with me being gone. Also prayers in general for them are always appreciated as there's always SOMETHING going on... do you remember being 12-13? Not fun.
Thank you all for all you do. You are greatly appreciated and loved.
One update is that I am caught up on grading for the first time since before my first surgery. This feel really, really good. Like, I want to dance good. But I also want to dance a lot, so that doesn't mean all that much.
Another update (and let's be serious, this is the one you're waiting for and the reason you clicked this link) is that I still don't have a surgery date scheduled.
One of the frustrating things about having a non-emergency surgery is that there are a lot of steps and paperwork involved in scheduling it, and this tends to involve a lot of waiting. And this waiting seems to be intensified when you're in a country where there's no mail and you do all the paperwork through a second party and you can't really make your own phone calls because your Spanish classes in College didn't really teach you how to navigate insurance vocabulary.
So there's no date. And my parents, who were originally coming on Tuesday, are now coming next week Monday in the hope that we will have approval and be able to schedule surgery for next week.
This is mildly annoying, as I don't REALLY want to have surgery in the first place and I don't REALLY want to go through another month of recovery, and if I have to, I'd rather just get it done now.
Still, this does seem to mean that I get another week to plan for a sub, and to mentally prepare, and to enjoy being healthy. So I'm grateful for that.
This weekend has been lovely for my mental health, both because of time spent with friends and because of all the prayers I know you've been sending. I'm also so thankful for the e-mails and messages that continue to make me feel supported and loved.
My prayer requests for the week are as follows.
1: They are interviewing a sub tomorrow. I didn't have a great experience with subs the last time I was in surgery, and I would very much appreciate it if we could pray that they will find someone who is responsible and easy to work with and ready and willing to invest in these kids for the next month.
2: Paperwork and Scheduling. I feel a little bit like I'm at the mercy of the system, but I also know that God is bigger than the system. Pray that papers get into the right hands and the hospital has a bed and operating room open at the right time and that the Doctor's schedule will coincide nicely with all of this.
3: Peace. I'd be lying if I said I'm not still struggling with the fact that I really don't want this. I don't. Pray that I'll be able to trust God and understand, not just know, that God is good all the time, and that all the time God is good.
4: My students: Pray for them as they have exams and a new quarter, and also as they will have to adjust to another sub. Pray that they'll be willing to work and learn this quarter and that they won't lose a lot with me being gone. Also prayers in general for them are always appreciated as there's always SOMETHING going on... do you remember being 12-13? Not fun.
Thank you all for all you do. You are greatly appreciated and loved.
Request
Ah, what a weird week.
For those of you who read regularly (or have seen or talked to me at all this week), you're probably aware that the beginning of this week was really rough for me. I have cancer and have to have surgery and I don't want to. That is something that hasn't changed.
But I have had such a lovely weekend. I had a sleepover, I talked to and hung out with friends, got stuff done, and have felt so peaceful. Also I have pushed it out of my mind that I have cancer and have to have surgery. It was lovely.
But this morning, I'm again faced with reality. I have to have surgery. It was supposed to be this coming week, but I still haven't been approved by the insurance. My parents were supposed to come on Tuesday, but I don't know when surgery will be. I'm not ready with sub plans and quarter plans and grading. I'm not ready for this process.
Because of all this and also because I really hate uncertainty and there's a lot of it in my life right now, I would REALLY appreciate prayers today and tomorrow. Prayers that the insurance will go through soon and there won't be any complications. Prayers that my parents can reschedule their flights and that the surgery will actually happen on the new days that they're here. Prayers that I can be peaceful without being in denial.
And prayers for everyone who is walking this journey with me. I'm praying for you, too.
For those of you who read regularly (or have seen or talked to me at all this week), you're probably aware that the beginning of this week was really rough for me. I have cancer and have to have surgery and I don't want to. That is something that hasn't changed.
But I have had such a lovely weekend. I had a sleepover, I talked to and hung out with friends, got stuff done, and have felt so peaceful. Also I have pushed it out of my mind that I have cancer and have to have surgery. It was lovely.
But this morning, I'm again faced with reality. I have to have surgery. It was supposed to be this coming week, but I still haven't been approved by the insurance. My parents were supposed to come on Tuesday, but I don't know when surgery will be. I'm not ready with sub plans and quarter plans and grading. I'm not ready for this process.
Because of all this and also because I really hate uncertainty and there's a lot of it in my life right now, I would REALLY appreciate prayers today and tomorrow. Prayers that the insurance will go through soon and there won't be any complications. Prayers that my parents can reschedule their flights and that the surgery will actually happen on the new days that they're here. Prayers that I can be peaceful without being in denial.
And prayers for everyone who is walking this journey with me. I'm praying for you, too.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Ten stitches up the mountain, and then ten back down
I'm tired this week. There are about a billion projects and quizzes and papers to grade as well as a new quarter to plan and other life preparations to worry about. Also, I have to do things like feed myself, shower, attempt to keep my room from getting too disastrous before my parents come, and spend time communicating with the people I like so I don't go completely insane.
After baking some coffee cake for bible study tonight, I took a nap for longer than I wanted to. I could have continued sleeping until the inevitable alarm will ring at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I'm tired.
But it's not just physical. I'm emotionally tired this week. It's been a struggle to stay positive in both my personal and professional life. Being happy all day wears me out, because I don't always really feel it. Sometimes I do. But other times, hanging out with 11-13 year olds when you're already a little worn out and disenchanted with life is not actually the easiest thing in the world to do. Still, they always manage to redeem themselves.
One of my students told me that she knew I was having a bad day because my eyes didn't sparkle. She said I seemed mostly the same except for that. I'm always amazed and a little bit frightened by how much they notice and how well they read me. I'm glad I don't usually realize how much I'm being looked at. And also I hope I don't do TOO many embarrassing things. Whoops.
The last type of exhaustion I feel is spiritual. I'm not sure what to say to the good God who has his hand on my life right now. I'm not sure how to be positive about my trust when things don't make sense. I'm not sure how to approach the God who can do miracles. I'm tired. And I'm thankful for passages like Matthew 26:38-43 where even Jesus seems a bit exhausted and down. Because that's what I've got right now.
Today in 6th grade we talked about the symbolism of the blanket Esperanza crotchets in Esperanza Rising (ER for short). We determined that life has its ups and downs for each of us, and that some times you just need to keep going. We talked about the importance of hope (Esperanza is Spanish for hope). We even talked a little bit about despair.
Maybe I'm heading down the mountain right now. But I have hope that I'll be heading back up again soon.
After baking some coffee cake for bible study tonight, I took a nap for longer than I wanted to. I could have continued sleeping until the inevitable alarm will ring at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I'm tired.
But it's not just physical. I'm emotionally tired this week. It's been a struggle to stay positive in both my personal and professional life. Being happy all day wears me out, because I don't always really feel it. Sometimes I do. But other times, hanging out with 11-13 year olds when you're already a little worn out and disenchanted with life is not actually the easiest thing in the world to do. Still, they always manage to redeem themselves.
One of my students told me that she knew I was having a bad day because my eyes didn't sparkle. She said I seemed mostly the same except for that. I'm always amazed and a little bit frightened by how much they notice and how well they read me. I'm glad I don't usually realize how much I'm being looked at. And also I hope I don't do TOO many embarrassing things. Whoops.
The last type of exhaustion I feel is spiritual. I'm not sure what to say to the good God who has his hand on my life right now. I'm not sure how to be positive about my trust when things don't make sense. I'm not sure how to approach the God who can do miracles. I'm tired. And I'm thankful for passages like Matthew 26:38-43 where even Jesus seems a bit exhausted and down. Because that's what I've got right now.
Today in 6th grade we talked about the symbolism of the blanket Esperanza crotchets in Esperanza Rising (ER for short). We determined that life has its ups and downs for each of us, and that some times you just need to keep going. We talked about the importance of hope (Esperanza is Spanish for hope). We even talked a little bit about despair.
Maybe I'm heading down the mountain right now. But I have hope that I'll be heading back up again soon.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Things unseen
I get really frustrated with my first class of the day. They talk a lot and fail quizzes and don't turn things in and get on my nerves. So what I'm basically saying is that they are 7th graders. Gah. I'm always so grumpy by the time I get done with them and then my mood gradually improves as I hang out with the rest of my classes for the rest of the day.
Except today my mood didn't really get better. I'm wallowing. A lot. And there's a part of me that is loving it.
You see, feeling miserable and entitled to feel miserable is a little like watching trashy tv. You know it's really not the best use of your time and that there is no point and its a bad choice, but something about it just feels so good in a horrible way.
So I wallow. And then I wallow some more.
Why blog on days like this? Because these are the type of days that I look back to old posts to reassure myself that I've been here before, and I've dealt with it and moved on and things are never as bad as I think they are.
Tonight got an email from a student in that first class asking about some extra credit stuff and after I replied, she sent me another email apologizing for herself and her class and signed it "love you."
I read some really thoughtful journal entries. I figured out better ways to teach some sentence problems today.
Will I wallow tomorrow? Maybe. Will I wallow forever? Nah. History and even today says the good in life is still there even when I can't (read: choose not to) see it. Also wallowing is exhausting.
Except today my mood didn't really get better. I'm wallowing. A lot. And there's a part of me that is loving it.
You see, feeling miserable and entitled to feel miserable is a little like watching trashy tv. You know it's really not the best use of your time and that there is no point and its a bad choice, but something about it just feels so good in a horrible way.
So I wallow. And then I wallow some more.
Why blog on days like this? Because these are the type of days that I look back to old posts to reassure myself that I've been here before, and I've dealt with it and moved on and things are never as bad as I think they are.
Tonight got an email from a student in that first class asking about some extra credit stuff and after I replied, she sent me another email apologizing for herself and her class and signed it "love you."
I read some really thoughtful journal entries. I figured out better ways to teach some sentence problems today.
Will I wallow tomorrow? Maybe. Will I wallow forever? Nah. History and even today says the good in life is still there even when I can't (read: choose not to) see it. Also wallowing is exhausting.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Being certain of what we hope for
Today in Church my Pastor mentioned Super Bowl Sunday.
My first thought? I should have some people over. I should cook for them and take care of them and be happy that they are around me.
Then he said the date. February 2, a day that, if everything goes according to plan, I will be in the hospital. Being cared for. No party.
I appreciate the support. Really, truly I do. I know I wouldn't get through a day without it. And I know that God has a plan and he's going to work things out according to his purpose. I believe that with all my heart.
But even with that knowledge in my head and heart... this is hard. It's hard to feel so dependent and weak. It's hard to deal with that fact that I'm going to spend more time in the hospital, to have more days where I can't even drink water or eat any food. It's hard to think about having a tube going out my nose and and iv in my arm and a little purse coming out of my side to hold my intestine juice.
It's hard to do this again.
I left church today because it was too much to handle. I've shed more tears today than I have in months.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this. It feels unfair. It feels like God is not being good.
And I feel so silly being open about it. And I feel guilty being open about the parts of this that suck, because it makes me feel weaker and more dependent. But then again, I know it's real, and if it were anyone but myself, I would want them to express these feelings to because they are human.
The doubt is human, the fear is human. The sadness and anger about life not going as planned... it's human. Hiding dark moments doesn't mean they are not there, and we all go through them. I go through them.
I know there's still light. I know that there is an end to this. I know that God is good.
But, despite that knowledge, when I'm honest, I don't feel or see it today. Today felt so very dark.
My first thought? I should have some people over. I should cook for them and take care of them and be happy that they are around me.
Then he said the date. February 2, a day that, if everything goes according to plan, I will be in the hospital. Being cared for. No party.
I appreciate the support. Really, truly I do. I know I wouldn't get through a day without it. And I know that God has a plan and he's going to work things out according to his purpose. I believe that with all my heart.
But even with that knowledge in my head and heart... this is hard. It's hard to feel so dependent and weak. It's hard to deal with that fact that I'm going to spend more time in the hospital, to have more days where I can't even drink water or eat any food. It's hard to think about having a tube going out my nose and and iv in my arm and a little purse coming out of my side to hold my intestine juice.
It's hard to do this again.
I left church today because it was too much to handle. I've shed more tears today than I have in months.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this. It feels unfair. It feels like God is not being good.
And I feel so silly being open about it. And I feel guilty being open about the parts of this that suck, because it makes me feel weaker and more dependent. But then again, I know it's real, and if it were anyone but myself, I would want them to express these feelings to because they are human.
The doubt is human, the fear is human. The sadness and anger about life not going as planned... it's human. Hiding dark moments doesn't mean they are not there, and we all go through them. I go through them.
I know there's still light. I know that there is an end to this. I know that God is good.
But, despite that knowledge, when I'm honest, I don't feel or see it today. Today felt so very dark.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
On being blessed
I got a letter from a student this week telling about an experience his or her family had with cancer. A favorite paragraph says this: "I'm writing this to you because I know that you must be going through a really hard time, but don't lose faith in God. He can do anything, even if it seems impossible. When my sister's results after surgery came negative of cancer, doctors could not explain it. Don't lose faith in God; he has control of your LIFE. Don't worry he will be with you. Not even doctors can tell you what will happen to you. If HE made a miracle in my sister, He can make it with you too. Only God knows when you will have to go."
Another part says "God made her go through this so that she was able to testify about God's power."
I'm so humbled and blessed by this. Also I wish I could take credit for her nearly impeccable writing (there were absolutely NO editing in there by me!), but... that's not me.
That's not me. It's a phrase I feel like I need to say all the time lately. "You seem so strong..." Oh... that's not me. "I don't know how you're able to be so lighthearted..." Oh... that's not me either. That's the prayers and God and everyone who is there for me all the time picking up all my weaknesses. That's not me.
I think that I may have mentioned once or twice that leaning on other people is extremely hard for me. I like to be independent and strong and to not need people.
But, I do. All the time. Especially now. And it drives me NUTS sometimes and I just want to stop dealing with everything. Sometimes I get frustrated, and sometimes I get sad. And sometimes I just want to stop feeling. And also I get a little dramatic, like that last sentence, which isn't even really a thing.
I think that has to be ok with a God who intimately knows how human I am. I mean, he can do anything. He's got control of this situation, and he knows what he's doing. All I can do is keep moving forward with his help and testify about his power.
Another part says "God made her go through this so that she was able to testify about God's power."
I'm so humbled and blessed by this. Also I wish I could take credit for her nearly impeccable writing (there were absolutely NO editing in there by me!), but... that's not me.
That's not me. It's a phrase I feel like I need to say all the time lately. "You seem so strong..." Oh... that's not me. "I don't know how you're able to be so lighthearted..." Oh... that's not me either. That's the prayers and God and everyone who is there for me all the time picking up all my weaknesses. That's not me.
I think that I may have mentioned once or twice that leaning on other people is extremely hard for me. I like to be independent and strong and to not need people.
But, I do. All the time. Especially now. And it drives me NUTS sometimes and I just want to stop dealing with everything. Sometimes I get frustrated, and sometimes I get sad. And sometimes I just want to stop feeling. And also I get a little dramatic, like that last sentence, which isn't even really a thing.
I think that has to be ok with a God who intimately knows how human I am. I mean, he can do anything. He's got control of this situation, and he knows what he's doing. All I can do is keep moving forward with his help and testify about his power.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Warning: This is a little bit heavy
It's friday.
As I type this, my eyes feel pretty droopy. It's been a long week, and, as a result of my flu episode at the end of last week, I haven't had any coffee. At all.
Being back at school is enough to make it feel like a long, long (but good!) week, but, on top of that, this week has also involved a trip to the hospital every day. Thankfully, I think that the one this afternoon was the last one for the week and I'll be able to enjoy a quieter Saturday and Sunday. Or a Saturday and Sunday of trying to get caught up. Either will be good for my mental health, so I'm not too worried.
Any of you whom I haven't talked to this week might be wondering exactly why I am spending so much time at the hospital, especially when I'm obviously healthy enough to be teaching.
To be honest, I haven't been quite sure how to break it to you. Also, I just haven't had the energy to do so. But, after a good doctors visit today to finish off the week, it seems like it's just time. So here we go.
After my surgery in November (see Thanks for an explanation if you missed it), my surgeon sent my intestine and appendix in for a biopsy. This is standard procedure and they weren't too worried about it.
On Monday, I got a phone call, text, and e-mail from my surgeon saying he had my biopsy results and I needed to get in to see him that afternoon. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out, but I managed to teach the rest of the day and was able to get a ride with to the hospital with a dedicated (and appreciated!) group of friends.
My biopsy results for the intestine were exactly as expected. It was just an internal hernia. But my appendix, which was only taken out because it was inflamed but had no part in causing the initial surgery, came back with somewhat surprising results. It turns out that I had cancer in my appendix all the way up to where it attaches to my large intestine. Since that meeting, I have had tests to make sure that it has not spread to any other organs, and it has not.
This particular type of cancer is not aggressive and doesn't usually show up until it's discovered in another procedure. In my case, it was a blessing that they found it because of this random unrelated surgery and we will be able to take care of it quickly with another surgery. God is good.
There are still decisions to be made, and another surgery very similar to my last one is in the relatively near future. I feel great, although this week has worn me out quite a bit.
But that is mostly because I finally got to teach full days on Monday, Thursday, and Friday! It was so wonderful to be back with my precious people for the first time in almost two months! We sang, we danced, and by we, I mean me... but that's ok. I'm looking forward to being able to be with them again all next week. Such a good life. :-)
Again, I'm thankful for all the support and prayers. I'm behind on correspondence right now, but feel free to e-mail or message me if you have questions, and I promise I'll get back to you eventually.
As I type this, my eyes feel pretty droopy. It's been a long week, and, as a result of my flu episode at the end of last week, I haven't had any coffee. At all.
Being back at school is enough to make it feel like a long, long (but good!) week, but, on top of that, this week has also involved a trip to the hospital every day. Thankfully, I think that the one this afternoon was the last one for the week and I'll be able to enjoy a quieter Saturday and Sunday. Or a Saturday and Sunday of trying to get caught up. Either will be good for my mental health, so I'm not too worried.
Any of you whom I haven't talked to this week might be wondering exactly why I am spending so much time at the hospital, especially when I'm obviously healthy enough to be teaching.
To be honest, I haven't been quite sure how to break it to you. Also, I just haven't had the energy to do so. But, after a good doctors visit today to finish off the week, it seems like it's just time. So here we go.
After my surgery in November (see Thanks for an explanation if you missed it), my surgeon sent my intestine and appendix in for a biopsy. This is standard procedure and they weren't too worried about it.
On Monday, I got a phone call, text, and e-mail from my surgeon saying he had my biopsy results and I needed to get in to see him that afternoon. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out, but I managed to teach the rest of the day and was able to get a ride with to the hospital with a dedicated (and appreciated!) group of friends.
My biopsy results for the intestine were exactly as expected. It was just an internal hernia. But my appendix, which was only taken out because it was inflamed but had no part in causing the initial surgery, came back with somewhat surprising results. It turns out that I had cancer in my appendix all the way up to where it attaches to my large intestine. Since that meeting, I have had tests to make sure that it has not spread to any other organs, and it has not.
This particular type of cancer is not aggressive and doesn't usually show up until it's discovered in another procedure. In my case, it was a blessing that they found it because of this random unrelated surgery and we will be able to take care of it quickly with another surgery. God is good.
There are still decisions to be made, and another surgery very similar to my last one is in the relatively near future. I feel great, although this week has worn me out quite a bit.
But that is mostly because I finally got to teach full days on Monday, Thursday, and Friday! It was so wonderful to be back with my precious people for the first time in almost two months! We sang, we danced, and by we, I mean me... but that's ok. I'm looking forward to being able to be with them again all next week. Such a good life. :-)
Again, I'm thankful for all the support and prayers. I'm behind on correspondence right now, but feel free to e-mail or message me if you have questions, and I promise I'll get back to you eventually.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I promise, I still exist
So it's been a while. Let me think about what has passed. A few days back at school before break which were exhausting but made me feel more like me than I had in a really long while. Christmas Break to heal and pull myself together by doing nothing but spend time with people who I really really love. It may sound boring that I spent most days around a kitchen table, but it was exactly what I needed emotionally, physically, and mentally. Seeing people in Grand Rapids... it all seemed idyllic. Like, life isn't supposed to be this wonderful, but somehow is was. Is, I suppose.
And now 3 days back in Honduras. It seems like a lot longer, really, although I haven't finished unpacking. There's been a whirlwind of getting back to school, seeing the people I love here, and some impromptu doctor's appointments. Although, those things are pretty connected. Except maybe the doctor's appointments. Except people I love were still there. So still connected. But now I'm sidetracked. Anyway. It's hard to believe that 3 days ago at this time, I was sick in an Atlanta hotel. In fact, I really can't believe it.
But then I can, because life seems to be often unbelievable. See paragraph one.
One thing that I've been thinking about and learning about while here is recognizing how much I do need those people around me... either near or far away. I still struggle with feeling exceptionally guilty asking people to worry, or taking their time, or talking too much about me (although anyone who spent time with me over break or ever knows I still do that all the time, even though I probably regret it later).
I've gotten a lot of compliments on how strong I am recently. This seems so silly to me, because in my head (and I'm pretty sure reality, although I'm also coming to terms that Anna-world does sometimes differ from the real world) I'm not that strong of a person. I struggle with doubts all the time. A strong person in my opinion is sure of themselves and confident, and that's not me.
But then I look, and maybe I've been acting strong. And I feel pretty strong right now. And I think it's mostly all the fabulous people all over the place that I have supporting me and praying for me and loving on me even though I talk to much and maybe make them worry a little bit.
Ya'll are the best, yos.
And now 3 days back in Honduras. It seems like a lot longer, really, although I haven't finished unpacking. There's been a whirlwind of getting back to school, seeing the people I love here, and some impromptu doctor's appointments. Although, those things are pretty connected. Except maybe the doctor's appointments. Except people I love were still there. So still connected. But now I'm sidetracked. Anyway. It's hard to believe that 3 days ago at this time, I was sick in an Atlanta hotel. In fact, I really can't believe it.
But then I can, because life seems to be often unbelievable. See paragraph one.
One thing that I've been thinking about and learning about while here is recognizing how much I do need those people around me... either near or far away. I still struggle with feeling exceptionally guilty asking people to worry, or taking their time, or talking too much about me (although anyone who spent time with me over break or ever knows I still do that all the time, even though I probably regret it later).
I've gotten a lot of compliments on how strong I am recently. This seems so silly to me, because in my head (and I'm pretty sure reality, although I'm also coming to terms that Anna-world does sometimes differ from the real world) I'm not that strong of a person. I struggle with doubts all the time. A strong person in my opinion is sure of themselves and confident, and that's not me.
But then I look, and maybe I've been acting strong. And I feel pretty strong right now. And I think it's mostly all the fabulous people all over the place that I have supporting me and praying for me and loving on me even though I talk to much and maybe make them worry a little bit.
Ya'll are the best, yos.
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