Great Expectations

I wonder if I should blog.

To be honest, I'm in a grumpy sort of mood. I was ok most of the day, looking at teaching ideas online, writing study guides, thinking about all the things I'd like my kids to learn next week.

I sent an e-mail to a superintendent who asked me about being considered for a job in the States. And I thought about all the lessons I looked at online. And I thought about what I'd like my kids to learn next week.

And I thought about the sub plans I'm actually writing for them, and how I can't write the things I want to write because I'm not there. And I thought of how the plans I actually write and the things I actually teach so rarely meet my own expectations, much less someone else's.

And I thought about what I would say if I were applying for jobs in the States right now... what proof I have that I'm worth hiring. And I looked at my crappy sub plans and the content that I'm trying to teach vicariously, and I hated it. And I a little bit hated me.

 And I know that as a general rule, I am my own worst critic. This is a problem that I'm pretty sure a lot of us struggle with. But I just got so frustrated that I'm not there trying to get better, that I can't motivate myself to write more detailed, explicative plans, that I'm to some extend just trying to keep my kids busy and my sub from going insane.

And I'm frustrated that I feel fine and I can't go to school, and that I feel like people are jealous and would love to get to stay home and get to sleep in and get to take time off.

And again, I wonder if I should blog.

Tonight my housemate was speaking to our community at worship night about being honest with God and yourself, and how the honesty even when it means you admit to not living up to expectations opens up communication and perhaps even allows more change to happen. Even if it means you admit to being weak. Because, in general, compared to God, you just are and that's to be expected.

So honesty. And vulnerability. And weakness. Not meeting expectations.

I'm human.

I wasn't going to blog, you know. I had closed out of the window. Until I went back because I was curious thinking about two weeks after my last surgery. And it was nice to track where I've been. High entry. Low entry. High Entry. Low entry.

Because if I only wrote on good days, or pretended that every day was good... days like these would hurt all the worse. But if they're normal and just happen sometimes... maybe it doesn't mean I'm failing at life or not meeting my strength/happiness expectations.