I've recently done a lot of sorting and sifting.

I've sifted through clothes, through all the stuff I feel guilty getting rid of because I "loved" it so much when I bought it, but haven't really worn much since but MIGHT wear if I ever got around to it, but I secretly know I won't, and that makes me feel like kind of a crappy person. Anyway. There's that.

Today I sorted through dishes. The good news is sorting through dishes is non-nostalgic. I wish I had more dishes.

I've sorted through papers. So many papers. Letters from my students introducing themselves to me. Reading through them now, after spending 6 weeks getting to know them, is even more enjoyable than the first time. Now that I know what I'm looking for their personalities pop in their handwriting and word choice and it makes me miss them in the good way that is mainly just a "I'm happy I met this person" miss. I don't know how to describe it, but it's not a regretful or sad miss like I miss my family when I'm feeling particularly lonely or my friends when things happen and I just can't be there.

Papers from college that make me miss thinking things and feeling so strongly about subject that I have never felt strongly about before. Papers that make me miss learning.

Letters from friends and family that I saved in case I ever needed a reminder I was loved. Letters I've read through the past few days because 1) I need to remember I am loved and 2) I need to cut down on my boxes of papers. It's hard to part with those, but so good to read them.

My room? An absolute mess. Part of me thinks I need to clean it up RIGHT NOW, but that part will probably not win tonight because it's getting later and I'm not feeling all that motivated, and, when it comes down to it, it's not the worst thing in the world to live in a messy room for a few days, especially when the mess is necessary for what comes next.

I've been grumpy with myself lately for feeling like an emotional mess. I feel like my feelings have been out of control and I want them to be ordered RIGHT NOW. I feel like it's not ok to live with them all a mess.

But maybe I can just live with them, except them as a necessary part of the getting ready for what's next process. Maybe I can just sleep on them, work through them a little at a time. At least for tonight.

Progress

How to start a new blog?

Some kind of purpose, I suppose.

My first attempt seemed like a failure. It took very few posts for me to realize that I was setting up a dumping ground for all my fears and worries and doubts. Not that those things don't have a place, or that they won't show up here. I can learn from them, I am learning from them. They, for better or for worse, are a part of this experience.

But I'm hoping and am confident that they aren't the only part. Also I know that, because I'm quite excited, to be honest.

But that's beside the point. I need a point. I've been throwing ideas around in my head, but everything seems so cliche and/or really hard to keep up with over a long period of time and/or too narrow. I need the freedom to write about whatever it is that makes my experience meaningful but guidelines to push me past just recording whatever events pop into my mind. Except that's what'll happen anyway.

Which leads me to the purpose of leaving in the first place.

It's not (contrary to popular opinion) because I don't have strings tying me down here. Now, I know I'm guilty of using this phrase, so it's fair of them to assume. But I do have ties. My family is here. A lot of my friends are here. I have a life that is familiar and that I enjoy. There are strings that will be cut.

It's not the desire to travel. Yes, that's a perk. I won't lie, I'm looking forward to the experience. It would be ridiculous to go if I wasn't. But to live abroad? That was never really the plan.

I'm going because I want to grow, to develop, to learn with my students. I want to gain experience and insight into teaching middle school. I want to can experience and insight, period. I want to work with other teachers who are growing with me and who I can share this experience with.

I want to, need to grow, but I don't want to do it alone. And that desire led me to this school.

So this space is for growing and recording growth. It's for sharing in that, whether it be positive or negative. Will there be lots of nerdy teacher stories? Probably yes. Will I gush about my students? I certainly hope so. Will there be periods of stretching that will hurt? Yeah.

So those are my expectations, my objectives, if you will. Consider yourselves warned.