Matthew 9:13

"Those who are well have no need for a physician, but those who are sick"

Self-sufficiency is a common theme for me. I like to take care of myself, like to avoid weakness, like to pretend I'm good enough (although, what that means, Ido t really know)

I'm attempting to read through the Bible. This year. I'm a little behind, but I'm slowly but surely working my way through Matthew (and Genesis and Psalms).

I came to this verse and thought about how very much I have needed God these past few months. Not that I didn't need him before. But still.

I have cancer. I didn't know I was sick, don't really feel sick. I didn't know I needed anything. But now that I'm aware, it's painstakingly obvious that I can't heal myself. I just can't. There's no easy, quick solution. I have to go through the proceeds and put my life and body into the hands of a doctor who I believe is capable.

I don't often feel weak or sick in other areas of my life. I feel like a pretty good person, whatever. I feel like life is old and I'm coping. I don't need a doctor, I don't need God. After all, a perfectly healthy person doesn't need a general surgeon, right?

Hard times of any kind are not fun. And I won't pretend to have all the answers. Or any answers. It's hard, it doesn't make sense, and life would be so much easier if we weren't all so sick.

But if we didn't go through the hard times that show us or sicknesses and weaknesses and the cancer in our lives... how would we know we need a doctor? How would we know that we need surgery? How could we begin recovery?

I know I needed that fest surgery to expose this disease in my body. Maybe I also need both these surgeries to expose the diseases and dangers of my self-sufficient life.