I'm tired this week. There are about a billion projects and quizzes and papers to grade as well as a new quarter to plan and other life preparations to worry about. Also, I have to do things like feed myself, shower, attempt to keep my room from getting too disastrous before my parents come, and spend time communicating with the people I like so I don't go completely insane.
After baking some coffee cake for bible study tonight, I took a nap for longer than I wanted to. I could have continued sleeping until the inevitable alarm will ring at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I'm tired.
But it's not just physical. I'm emotionally tired this week. It's been a struggle to stay positive in both my personal and professional life. Being happy all day wears me out, because I don't always really feel it. Sometimes I do. But other times, hanging out with 11-13 year olds when you're already a little worn out and disenchanted with life is not actually the easiest thing in the world to do. Still, they always manage to redeem themselves.
One of my students told me that she knew I was having a bad day because my eyes didn't sparkle. She said I seemed mostly the same except for that. I'm always amazed and a little bit frightened by how much they notice and how well they read me. I'm glad I don't usually realize how much I'm being looked at. And also I hope I don't do TOO many embarrassing things. Whoops.
The last type of exhaustion I feel is spiritual. I'm not sure what to say to the good God who has his hand on my life right now. I'm not sure how to be positive about my trust when things don't make sense. I'm not sure how to approach the God who can do miracles. I'm tired. And I'm thankful for passages like Matthew 26:38-43 where even Jesus seems a bit exhausted and down. Because that's what I've got right now.
Today in 6th grade we talked about the symbolism of the blanket Esperanza crotchets in Esperanza Rising (ER for short). We determined that life has its ups and downs for each of us, and that some times you just need to keep going. We talked about the importance of hope (Esperanza is Spanish for hope). We even talked a little bit about despair.
Maybe I'm heading down the mountain right now. But I have hope that I'll be heading back up again soon.
I seriously just read that passage before I checked your blog because sometimes God does cutesy things like that that make me point to the sky and say, "Good one, man."
ReplyDeleteThere is a little note on the side of my Bible that says, in this moment, Jesus was completely vulnerable, and I know you hate when you personally feel that way. But, I figure if your God is allowed to be vulnerable, you probably are too, and it is probably an okay thing. There are also several passages where Jesus goes off by himself to think and pray, and I hope you're finding time to do the same.