Here's a secret. I don't love asking for help. I don't love needing other people. I don't love not being in control.

Here's a fact. I live in Honduras, which is a great place, but doesn't always allow for a lot of independence. That being said, I did spend some time alone at the mall this weekend. So that's a thing.

This weekend I was attempting to get bus tickets for a group of us who are going up to one of the Bay Islands over Thanksgiving. The phone number didn't work, no one knew where the bus station was, and it was unclear what we needed to purchase the tickets and how much they'd cost.

We taxied on over, because at least the taxi driver knew where we needed to go, although that is a different type of vulnerability altogether. When we got there, we were able to reserve seats, but needed effectivo (essentially cash) to pay for them. This was a problem because the last time we went to the store, we couldn't use our cards and had to pay cash there. Anyway. We take a different taxi to a mall that is nearly across the seat, he waits for us to get cash and takes us back to the bus station, we purchase tickets, and that same taxi drives us home. Tickets = purchased.

In the States, I'd expect to just get in my car and take care of things. I need to make more than one stop? Ok, that's do-able. Nbd, yo. I need groceries? Done. This needing rides, translating, everything... it just gets to me sometimes. I haven't been this dependent since I was 15. When people asked me my most prized possessions, my car was almost always on the list. It symbolized my freedom and autonomy. Oh, how I miss it.

I watched a couple episodes of Scrubs last week with a dear friend/cousin. The theme song has been running through my head. "I can't do it all on my own, no, I'm no superman." I probably shouldn't have put that in quotes, as I'm not sure it's completely accurate. Please lyric fact check at will.

Here's a secret. That is true of me.

We keep about talking about using our own strength and whatnot in devotion like things. It's also come up a lot in my personal devotions. This is my number one bad habit (and you thought it was biting my nails...) I really really really get so wrapped up in being able to do this, in being able to balance work and living and communicating with people back home and being awesome and appearing put together and everything that I use up almost all the limited strength I contain. It's really not that much, you know.

Depending on God for strength, depending on others for prayers and space to talk about the secret (or not secret) failures of my life... this is hard for me. I hate being dependent, wrong, or vulnerable.

But I can't do this all on my own. I'm not superman.