Hearts

It's been a busy week. We had exams, we need to get ready for next quarter, we need to finish this quarter, everything has been all up in the air the past few weeks with testing and days off and retreats... I guess you could say it's been a busy month. Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose you could say it's been a busy school year. There is always SOMETHING more that could be being done.

About a month ago, there was an opportunity to go to an orphanage and hang out for the afternoon. I didn't go because I was too busy. I don't remember what weekend that was, but probably I ended up spending a good deal of time on things other than work even though I had enough work to fill up the weekend. This is, embarrassingly enough, something that happens often.

Anyway, when the opportunity came around again this month, I assumed (silly) I'd have everything done by the weekend and wouldn't have anything to do... the perfect time to go hang out with some small children.

MMMRRRNNNPPPP. (That is the sound of an incorrect buzzer. Ask me to demonstrate sometime.)

Anyway. Perfect time, right? Until this week happened and everything took longer and more things became due and I tried to have a social life and suddenly it's Friday and I have more work than I've ever had in my life. Great.

I can't back out on the orphanage thing because there are only 4 of us going and we're splitting a bus and I've already committed. So I stay up late last night and get up early this morning and grudgingly go.

Was it the best experience of my life? Did I see God or was my heart deeply moved by those kids? Honestly, probably not. It was fine, good, whatever. I gave piggy-back rides and combed and pony-tailed the hair of an adorable three year old. But mostly I just felt ok. Which is ok. But not mind-blowing or life changing.

However, on the bus back... I was thinking. It's generally too hilly and curvy for me to read or work on the bus, so I had some time to look out the window and think.

Yesterday I spent about 6 hours getting to the mall and hanging out with people and seeing James Bond. Thursday I spent a good chunk of my evening getting dinner with some friends. Wednesday I saw people who I really like a lot at Bible Study. Tuesday two of my favorite people in Honduras were over. Monday... I might have probably worked on Monday, but that was after going to the post office and grocery store.

One suppon a time I had a conversation with this boy about tithing, and putting your money where your heart is. It also turned into a conversation about gift giving and relationships and a lot of other things, but it's one of those things that keeps coming back to me.

I mean, this isn't really money related, but it's definitely time related. I'm willing to give up sleep and productivity to see people and get out. It's important to me, so I'll rarely say no. But service-y things? Youth group? Orphanage trips? I get so wishy-washy about having the time to do them.

And I have to wonder, is it because I don't feel I get much out of them? Is the whole point of my life my gratification? Where is my heart? What is it doing?

I went to an orphanage today. Honestly, my life didn't change that much. I didn't get much out of it.

But maybe it wasn't all about me, anyway.