In my last post, I attempted to examine my real reasons for hating staying home. And I spent some time with God admitting motivations. Not a lot of time though, because there was work to do and websites to click through. Have to be honest about my priorities... even when it's embarrassing.
Later that day, I got a phone call (which I missed, so really a text message) saying that the doctor's note had been received and I could go back to work with no restrictions starting the next day. And I did. And I worked all three days with no major pain, and even worked a spelling bee on Saturday.
And it felt good to be back, even though my frustrating classes are still frustrating and other things about school are still frustrating. It was good to sit in my chair, to see my students and colleagues, to attempt explanations and write on the board, to laugh around other people instead of at home by myself.
And I'm not going to lie... I felt more meaningful the rest of the week. Like maybe my life is maybe worth living, maybe. And maybe I am awesome. And maybe I can find all my value in teaching. Hooray for all that!
And then on Friday I got some covenant notes from students. They wrote them in Bible Class, and, don't get me wrong, I got some very sweet ones from students who admitted to passing notes in class or talking when they aren't supposed to and they gave me suggestions for punishing them. But I also got one that said (crossed out, so this is partially my fault for making out the words below) "I don't like your class because you think you're funny but you're not," and three others that said things like "I know I don't have a bad relationship with you and I like you a lot, but I think you are the teacher who needs the most help so I'll work on making my classmates quiet and if I don't do that I can grade all the homework for you." Which is also really sweet.
But also it was a blow for my pride, and my self-esteem, and my meaningfulness. The teacher who needs the most help? Out of all the teachers? Is it really that obvious?
When I can pretend I'm able to do this on my own strength, I also pretend that I stop needing God. You'd think that secret cancer and 2 months of sitting at home would have been enough to remind me that I'm not invincible for at least a year or two, right?
But a day or two back into school and I was pretty proud of myself for my quick recovery and for being ready to take on the world again. Oh Ms. Kroon. When will you learn?
Aww. You put too much meaning on external feedback I think. You should be proud of yourself and you're doing a rockstar job, and those notes don't change that AT ALL. They could be totally true and still not mean anything as to how well you're doing. (Also I don't think they are true, please remember that these are kids who don't always know what they're talking about, are trying to be mean, had a bad day, etc.)
ReplyDeleteProbably they mean you need the most help, as in "why does she keep getting sick. I want to help her. Also my classmates are noisy, so maybe that's how I can help her. And grading." It doesn't mean you stink at your job or need the most help out of all teachers. Not at all. I agree 100% with Lerae: You're a rockstar!! Don't take the stupid students to heart (kind of hypocritical, as I'm fighting that urge myself) and keep on keepin' on. You're fantastic <3
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